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Saturday, January 7, 1972

What a long time, diary... A few good months, at least. I didn’t had much to say, I was just in my monotonous “retirement” (I don't even know if I can call it that if I was still working).

I would have preferred to stay in the tedious calm of the school infirmary, honestly. If I need to write here again it's because I need to share my thoughts again; it seems that I will return to work with mercenaries. The fortress mercenaries. I can't have a minute of peace. Anyway, it was Ambrosio who appeared in my office (like a ghost, as always. I almost threw a clipboard at his head in fright), saying that they had been hired for a super important mission, that they wanted to try to reunite the whole group and so on. And that the “boss” himself wanted me to be with him on duty. I replied, quite simply: “I’d rather work until I’m eighty than work among mercenaries again”, finishing with “And if the “boss” is so insistent, he should come and tell me himself.” I really wanted to know who had appointed him as the boss of something.

I kicked Ambrosio out of my office, hoping he wouldn’t come back — with a lot of luck that would just be a hallucination.

But he came back. The whole group came. Eight grown men in a tiny room in a school infirmary, why must they be so tactless? I don’t even want to think about how they got past the school secretariat.

Angus was in front of all of them, of course, and began his lame little speech; “If I didn’t think it was important, I wouldn’t be calling you,” “You know you’re excellent at what you do, stop wasting your talent.” Seeing that I wasn’t impressed by his words, Angus cut the friendly tone — which has never been his strong point — and explained his intentions bluntly.

“...We don’t have a doctor on staff, you know.” I do know... “We hired one, but I don’t know what his deal is. I need someone I can trust to make sure he doesn’t mess up.” Last time I checked, I was a nurse, not a nanny. “The money this employer is paying you could retire to the Bahamas, if you want. A year, maybe even less, and you never have to see our faces again.” And, of course, he ended with the obvious “For old times’ sake, hmm?”

Bloody hell. Bloody hell... But what’s another year compared to the other thirty years of service with these kinds of people, right?... It’s not like I had a choice. I said I would pack my things at the end of the day, and was answered with a laugh from old Beatrice. “We want you to join us now, blondie.” Of course, everything has to be done the way these kids want it, and at the time they choose. I then told everyone to leave, before their ugliness scared the children (and I swear I saw Virgil trying to growl at some poor thing that appeared in the hallway during the conversation. If I had been close enough I would have immediately pulled that ferret stuck to his face that he calls a beard).

To sum up, I am currently in what will be my temporary home until the end of the mission, on an island in the middle of nowhere. Tomorrow will be a busy day, giving check-ups to all these pew-pawn and meeting this new doctor. I couldn't be less excited.

Good night.

Sunday, January 8, 1972

The day really was full. Not in the way I expected. It started predictably, waking up very early to set up what would become my new office — a very dusty little room, you know? At least there was a window facing the sea. —, I still needed a range of supplies and some things to get out of the boxes, but I managed to leave the place in an acceptable manner.

So acceptable that I soon received the first patient of the day, Fred. He's the least annoying of Angus's group, he almost makes me not hate him. Almost. Perfectly healthy, but he always insists that there is something wrong with his blood pressure. Little hypochondriac engineer. Before leaving, he told me about the meeting that would take place later, which would be important... What choice do I have, right? I said yes, I would go, it would be a pleasure to waste my time there.

Wendell enters complaining of a headache, Virgil comes out with bandages on his fingertips (without even saying thank you)... It seems like these old men were waiting for me to show up so they could finally decide to go back to a doctor.

Time flew at least, I soon went up to the floor where the meeting room was located. I sat at the very back, so as not to be disturbed by anyone, Angus, obviously, sitting at the end of the table, along with the whole gang of bootlickers next to him. The new doctor then arrived; a middle-aged man, black hair with gray on the sides, and some European accent. Doctor Ludwig, introduced himself. I don't really know what to think of him, he has a crazy face, staring at everyone with those blue eyes... Saying that it would be a pleasure to analyze everyone's organs... Freak. Angus cut Ludwig's speech to remind him that his role on the team would be to heal injured soldiers, and that he would have a nurse at his disposal, then pointing at me, who just nodded. This doctor then said that it wouldn't be necessary because he already had an apprentice... I wish that had satisfied them, I could have been dismissed on the spot, but Angus was very laconic; Either he would work with me or he wouldn't work anywhere.

Fred also raised the point that Gray Mann (I believe our boss this time, I'm not too attached to the details) had already set aside funds for a prior number of workers, asking what would be done in relation to this apprentice, and the new doctor replied that they wouldn't need to worry about that, he would take part of his own salary for her and that they weren't worried about the money, but rather about the scientific advances to be made. The mercenaries started looking at each other, trying to decide if they would accept this, I guess. I heard Ross say, “Well, if it’s not going to come out of our pockets, I don’t see any problem,” which seemed to be the consensus to a greater or lesser extent. It didn’t seem to please the “boss”, but he nodded.

I then had to accompany this doctor to my — now our — room. This man spoke quickly and spoke a lot. Things about being anxious to get started, how long the trip was, progress and experiments? He also asked me to look at what the budget was for medical expenses. I tried to ask him about this apprentice he had, but there he was, pacing back and forth in the room, commenting that the size wouldn't be enough and if there would be another space besides that. I mentioned an empty room downstairs and he was satisfied, saying he was going to prepare his workspace, leaving me here alone. I didn't insist on going after him, I'm not a grown man's babysitter, as I already said. And I'm afraid that this enthusiasm for work is contagious.

A few hours passed while I was reading a book, when suddenly I heard some noises from outside the room. Outside there was a tall but very young girl, dark-skinned and with very curly hair, full of freckles on her face, dragging a huge box on the floor. "You're the other nurse, aren't you? I need to get this to med-...to Doctor Ludwig!" I had to tell the poor thing that his room was downstairs. "Agh, shit. Really?... Well, let me take it down here again."

I'm not going to lie, I felt sorry for this girl. She was very happy after I offered help, my back wasn't, unfortunately. Even though she held most of her weight during the journey, how much determination... Ambrosio was in the hallway doing a gigantic amount of nothing, I made a point of staring at him as we passed by. A grown man like that and doesn't lift a finger to help a lady! And I know why, vanity in person wouldn't want to get their shoes dirty or unstarch even a little bit of his clothes. When he's not giving heart attacks at others due scaring them, he's looking at himself in a mirror. His mother could have called him Narcissus instead of Ambrosio.

We finally arrived at Doctor Ludwig's salon, who welcomed the girl with open arms, entering the room with that massive box. They seem to get along well with each other, that is good.

I went back to my room, some more time passed, and the young woman appeared in my room again, to thank me, she said. We took the opportunity to talk for a while longer; Her name is Ágatha, and she is the doctor's niece. She's 17 years old, still almost a child... and in the middle of this place... She seems to have as much enthusiasm for medicine as her uncle's, she must be a prodigy, even more so given her age. And she also has an enthusiasm for her uncle herself... I don’t know if this man gives me the impression of “the best scientist of all time”, but I kept that thought to myself. I wanted to know more about her, but someone knocked on the door. He. How could I forget Angus's ritual? When he comes, he always insists on the first or last appointment. And he never needs something, he has an iron health. It's for the pure pleasure of being pampered by me, as if this were some kind of exclusive VIP treatment. Dios dame paciencia.

There he was with his asshole face, looking like he was in a hurry. Ágatha noticed, and started to say goodbye, leaving the room. Until she stopped and, my God, turned to Angus and said without any fear: "Hey, you're kind of the boss of the place, aren't you? I think we could bring a more collaborative work environment here!"

Angus didn't say a word, just staring at the girl. And she continued, "You know, earlier I was carrying some pretty heavy things, and no one cared to give me the right direction. Or help me carry the boxes... If you could, like, address the others later, maybe... Things are better when everyone helps each other!" The girl smiled, slightly awkward, while the brute of that man continued to look at her coldly. If I had known they would meet, I would have given her guidance... but the damage was already done... Angus only responded with “...Who are you?”

“Oh, of course, I'm Ágatha Becker, nurse and future doctor-” he didn't even let her finish.

“Okay, Becker... First day, right?”

"Uhh, yes! I wish to-"

"So let me explain something to you: you don't have any fucking control over how I or my guys work. Okay? So why don't you go help that doctor or go play with his dolls, hmm?"

The girl froze. “Oh... Of course.” Ágatha looked at him, twitching her eyebrows, extremely irritated. What a bold girl! I intervened immediately before anything else happened, I pulled Angus into the room, placing myself between the two, and told Ágatha that we could talk more tomorrow. She said goodbye to me and thanked me once again, and then left. Angus commented “The audacity of that brat...”, I asked if he didn’t had anything better to do.

Otherwise, more of the same; Him saying that he might have felt something here and there and me trying to explode him with my mind.

Now, this girl Ágatha... I'm going to have to teach this girl how things work around here. Poor thing...

Monday, February 16, 1972

It seems that the mercenaries' operations are heading towards something, they managed to find a clue to the location of the Echelon base, everyone is very anxious. Wolves hunting their next prey. Wolves? Mangy dogs, perhaps. Fighting against our old company... I don't even want to think about where this will go.

Changing the subject, every time I meet this doctor I want to throw a shelf at him. He has no idea of job security; He doesn't wear gloves when working, doesn't clean the equipment and doesn't bother on filling out any service forms. In addition to being very possessive about his office (less bad, honestly. I prefer to be alone in mine).

This doctor Ludwig also has a strange habit, he talks from time to time about dissecting people, and so does his niece, asking if I would put animal organs inside someone. Sick joke. And how could I forget about Ágatha? She is not just a prodigy, apparently this doctor put this girl to watch him work since she was a child. He showed her a heart outside somebody! And that wasn't even the worst story she told me! He is an irresponsible!

The girl, at least, didn't get into much trouble during the week. She helps that doctor a lot, and is idle when he is not at the base. I have invited her to stay in my office and avoid those idiots, sometimes. We talk and enjoy the moments where there is no one calling and asking for something... At least I appreciate it, Ágatha once told me that “life is too short to sit around doing nothing”. What can I say? I also thought that way before I was 30, it's the kind of thing that only time teaches you.

But she is a good girl, when she is here she helps me with lifting some boxes and tidying up the place, things that my strength – and my patience – are no longer the same to do alone. She also said that her uncle takes care of some pigeons, and that they were thinking about bringing them... Little birds inside a base, imagine that! How long since I last saw them in one? Too long...

Ah, Beatrice was in the infirmary today. Some fight that happened during these search missions or whatever, but nothing that a few stitches couldn't solve. She arrived just as the girl was giving me a recipe for a churro cake – what an inconvenience – and I immediately went to deal with it. “I hope I didn’t disturb the ladies” she said, with that hint of sarcasm. Ágatha said something like “Oh, no, imagine!”, and then promptly got up and listed the most varied things she had already done during the day. “Good job, little one...” Beatrice replied as she looked at the work I was doing, without seeming to pay much attention. Could this lady be making this girl a personal secretary? The poor kid doesn't seem to understand, she mentioned all the services provided with great pride...

Before leaving the room, the girl asked if the stitches weren't hurting. “You’re pretty tough, aren’t you?”

“Ah, years of experience... burns, scratches... But, mainly, years infringing pain on others. This, compared to the wounds I've already opened on others? Ha..."

The answer left the girl a little unresponsive, but satisfied. Ah, Beatrice... Saying something like that is very typical of her, as if it were a script. Because it is. I've already caught her writing, coming up with phrases that sound intimidating, real catchphrases, repeating them to herself, analyzing, trying again. I felt a chill down my spine every time Beatrice spoke, at the beginning of my career, a calculating and remorseless woman. After that, I see that what she likes most is to aggrandize herself. I take everything that comes out of her mouth with a grain of salt. Her actions, yes, are what make me tremble... in that aspect she really is just perverse.

Today was a full moon night. I had time to put my telescope in the window and take a good look. Beautiful as always.

Wednesday, February 26, 1972

The mercenaries have defeated Echelon, without bringing any medical support. Reckless? Perhaps, but if Angus himself said it wouldn't be necessary for that raid, who am I to judge? Thank goodness for me... But I was also warned in advance; I'll be taken to Daedalus. Humph.

A full day in the infirmary, I bandaged at least one bandage on each of them. Ágatha offered to help, saying she could stitch them up perfectly. And she really could! Excellent apprentice.

Monday, March 19, 1972

And off I go to Daedalus... Goodbye office chair, goodbye little book...

Thursday, March 22, 1972

Another day without even being in the solitary comfort of my office. This expedition against Daedalus better not take more than a week. At least the camp is in a rural area, I can see many constellations from here – Ursa Major looks very shiny! —...Still, having to deal with these guys, hmph.

...They actually cut me some slack, so as not to be unfair. I didn't expect that Angus would immediately accept my request about not being in the middle of the invasion, in the actual killing. And not going to Citadel.

“You know that if things go really ugly, you will have to come, don't you know?... But if all goes as expected, you wait at the camp to take care of us after we finish everything. Now, about Citadel... Maybe we'll take the doctor, it would be useless to take medical support incapable of carrying out the job, after all. But only time will tell.”

It's strange to hear him speak in a thoughtful tone, almost gentle, with things that go against his orders. The line dividing what he does thinking about his own benefits and what he allows out of pure compassion is thin, almost invisible. But from experience, I know that it almost always leans towards the first option. Being affected during a procedure would, in fact, make me useless to him.

This reminds me of a story, the other day Ágatha and I were putting tape on Virgil's wound, and the girl seemed a little distant, I had to call her a few times to make her remember what we were doing (and I wouldn't judge her, every second that man would open his mouth and gave a speech about how he hates spies, about how he was never the same after those robotic eyes... I was almost putting tape on his mouth myself).

We had some time to rest after he left and, chatting a little, I asked her if anything had happened. A little upset, she said she was just thinking about someone. I asked if it was about a boyfriend, and she said no, that there was nothing to do with it — welp, I'm an old lady! If a sad girl says she's thinking about someone, that ends up being one of the first things to cross my mind.

She told me about the friend she had... the name escapes me now, but it was something with M... Anyway, this boy and her did almost everything together, especially as children, they were raised like two siblings. Ágatha walked from one side of the room to the other, laughing, remembering the most diverse shenanigans they did, the pranks they played on each other... She suddenly withered. The girl said they had a fight at some point. And then came an irritation; “He doesn’t care about me...”

I was confused, "Really? After so long?"

"...So, he said some fucking stupid things to me. It really hurt me. But maybe I did, too..."

I advised her to try talking to him again, then. Maybe they could make peace. She reflected for a while, but already seemed to have made up her mind: “That’s all in the past.” Oh, this girl...

The anecdotes she tells me about these curious people she knew almost always end like this, abruptly. So far, some of the ones I know are a young batter, who let her drink a whole can of energy drink as a child, a magician who accidentally destroyed an entire wall, trying to do a trick, a man who always had a helmet on his head and who could only talk about the United States, and a shooter whose I refuse to write what he does with glass jars. Very eccentric people, as eccentric as her uncle himself, which perhaps explains some of her quirks... Still, it weighs me down to see her miss these... Relatives? Friends? These people in her life.

Well, now enough remembering things, I can hear Virgil complaining that the flashlight inside my tent is too bright... Humph... See me calling others eccentrics when I have my own! Fred deserves a chair on the head for the idea of putting bionic eyes on this man. I manage to make him rest for a few moments by placing a blanket over his head. According to Virgil this doesn't stop him from seeing between the walls, but he remains very quiet when this is done, you can even hear some of his snoring... Just like covering a parrot's cage.

Good night parrot man.

Saturday, April 8, 1972

I needed a break. Today I finally caught a glimpse of what that doctor does inside that room. As if the budget, which he still refuses to tell me what he's using it for, the hygiene habits at work, the pigeons– adorable, very cute, but still – flying around his office and the base, a danger of contamination (and for the lives of the pigeons, honestly)... As if nothing of that was enough!... And the girl! The girl is always involved in this scoundrel's schemes!... Until now I don't know if what I saw was witchcraft or some delusion of mine, or something else! I've already sent a huge report to the guys, this is not my problem anymore!

... I also needed a break from this place. Citadel. All these people talk about now is Citadel. Citadel, Citadel, Citadel. I don't know why this subject still weighs on me so much, I didn't work with them that much, at least compared to Fortress. I wonder if any of my former acquaintances still work there? It's very likely... And I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about anything.

So I decided to take a break... It was Ágatha’s idea, actually. She showed up at my office after that, asking if everything was okay with me. I said I was just stressed – I avoided going into details. Despite having a lot of dislike for this doctor, he is the only person here who doesn’t vary between ignoring her existence or using her to dump any kind of service. And I don’t think she needs to know about me and Citadel...

She thought for a moment, and then came across my living room window. she said that there were lots of beaches in her hometown, and that it had been a while since he had gone for a swim. You know what? Why not? I needed to breathe a little, 30 minutes outside wasn't going to make the base explode.

The coast was just a bit warm – there are still a few months left until summer, after all. And, Dios mio, what frozen water.

We walked along the sand, chatted a little, laughed... At one point she jumped into the sea and told me that you jump over seven waves to seek blessings for the new year. I asked if it wasn’t almost the middle of the year. Laughing, she said it was still worth it. I followed along in the shallows (just getting my feet and ankles wet in that water was enough for me). There was a moment when she threw water at me, just imagine! We looked like two children playing in the sea...

But of course, all good things come to an end. I saw Ross on the horizon, staring at us both. Strangely, I didn't see Greg on the horizon either. Their names should be Rossandgreg, I think, because it would save everyone time, since they're always together. Anyway, we got out of the sea as he approached. "The boss is asking where you went."Boss”, ugh. “I just came to get some air, we’re already on our way back,” I replied, a little embarrassed. There was no way I could impose much morality when I was soaked – not as much as Ágatha, in soup from head to toe.

On the way back, Ágatha commented that “The team could try to swim in the sea more often, to relax”, and Ross was blunt, “You should try to finish your chores before going to play in the sand, shouldn’t you?”. The girl responded with just a “Hah, wow...”, and you could see that she had wilted a little. Jerk.

I tried to invite Ágatha to spend some more time in my office, after I dried off, but she left down the hall, said she had to go, that she was busy...

Tuesday, May 12, 1972

Dios mio. Dios mio. Dios mio.

I don't know how I didn't see this coming. I warned her! I did warn her! How could I not have prevented this? Why couldn't I have prevented this?

I was in my room, trying to hide myself about everything at the base. It's been four or five days and those bastards are still celebrating Citadel's defeat. The Citadel massacre. No, I don't care about the "bronze team" falling, nor about going after the "silver team" or "gold team". Alone. I just wanted to be left alone.

Now, I don't even remember why I left my room. Maybe someone called me, maybe I was thirsty and went to get a glass of water, maybe I just wanted to stretch my legs... A premonition, maybe fate wanted to put me there before an even greater disaster happened. All I know is that when I got to the cafeteria, tempers were already running high.

Angus and the girl were arguing, while a few randoms watched — I think it was Wendell, Beatrice and Fred.

“...Look, I want to do a good job here, I just think that-” and that brute didn’t even let her finish; “Spend about 30 years of your life shooting people in the face and getting a few scars. Then you’ll earn the right to think something in here.”

I saw Ágatha go silent. Another day at the base, I thought. Another hostility towards this girl, I thought. I saw her go towards that box... machine... thing... irrelevant to my memory and to the case I am citing. “Well, time to get back to my work too...” I thought.

From the hallway, however, Ágatha's voice echoed. "I knew someone. Very, very strong. Like you." I returned to the entrance of the cafeteria. Her sharp eyebrows, arched in anger, my god. Angus muttered some curse word, responding "And is he here to lift this shit to you?", partly being sarcastic, mocking the situation, partly irritated, impatient.

“No. But if he was, he’d stop being stupid and help me get this thing up.”

I froze. You could have heard a needle drop in that room. He turned to the girl, lowered his voice, increased the threat. “I’ll give you one chance. Do you want to repeat that to my face, or do you want to shut your fucking mouth? "

And she shot back. “...He would stop being stupid and would help me to lift that shit up.”

And he took a few steps closer. “Child. You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.”

And she didn't stop. And I should have stopped her. “What? Working late? Being called names? For God's sake, this place is a joke! I'm tired of being treated like shit, especially like a child!!! Not that it's any of your business, but I am, legally speaking, an adult. Since I woke up this morning.”

“...You’re telling me you’re a big girl, huh? Your own boss?”

Deep down, I guess I didn't expect her to go so far, so bold. How foolish I was, how stupid I was. And I knew that scoundrel wouldn't mind acting like that, I worked with him for over a decade! Why would I expect him to be more restrained? Stupid, stupid. But she's so young, even younger than when Cha...

I'm digressing. I had every chance to stop it, but yet, it all happened so, so fast. A punch, my god, a punch. The girl rolled on the floor! – with that kind of force, who wouldn't? And Angus, that douchebag, made sure to crouch down next to her. And you could see the panic on the girl's face.

“Good. It’s about time you got a real scolding. Now let’s see if, this time, I can get this through to you. You’re the subordinate, the inferior. Here, you have no power, no choice. Tired? Overworked? Fuck you. I don’t give a shit. Just do what you’re told, get it?...” Angus clenched his fist. “Or do I need to be more clear?”

And then he unclenched his fist, reaching out his hand to the girl's head, in a sort of mocking, humiliating caress: "Oh, and happy birthday!" And he laughed. And his mates laughed. Conchudo de mierda. Conchudos de mierda.

I thought Ágatha's courage had been killed there. But somehow she still managed to fight back. During that degrading scene, in a moment of distraction, the girl spat – yes, spat – in that man's face. Red, from the blood that was running from her nose and mouth. The room fell silent again, and that brute leaned back, running his hand over his face, still processing what had just happened. And I finally decided to do something about it, finally snapped out of my shock. I saw his face turn furious, as he raised his hand once more. I stood in front of the girl before he hurt her again.

Angus stopped his hand in the air as soon as he saw me. He stood up, yelling, “Cordelia, fuck... I need to wipe this shit off my face!” or something like that. But I didn’t look at him, or any of those mercenaries. I just focused on lifting Ágatha off the ground, and getting her out of there. And I yelled, before leaving: “Do you want your box taken? Do it yourself! DO YOU WANT YOUR FACE CLEAN?! DO IT YOURSELF !!! “

If he was frustrated or had no reaction, I don't know, I didn't look back.

Dr. Ludwig's office was closer than mine. I stopped the bleeding from her nose and tried to find some ice in the middle of that mess, but she went to that strange machine. Suddenly the bruise on her cheek disappeared, and so did the wound inside her mouth. I still inspected her for a few more moments — I don't trust that thing very much — luckily everything seemed to be healed... But emotionally...

Ágatha didn't show much reaction. Quiet, strangely calm, she even smiled at me. As if nothing had just happened... I tried to tell her to get out of here, to explain what happened to her uncle as soon as he got back and to resign as soon as possible, but she jumped, saying no. She said that the job was very important to her uncle and to both of them, and begged me not to tell the doctor anything. I tried to explain that it wasn't worth it, but she didn't seem to hear me... She begged me so pitifully that I ended up giving in, at least for now.

We spent the rest of the afternoon in my office. I didn't answer anyone else!... I managed to improvise a happy birthday with half a cake I had in the fridge and a candle – I would have planned something more elaborate if I knew about her birthday beforehand! –, she was quite embarrassed, but also quite happy...

Eighteen years old. So big, and yet so, so small...

I walked her to her dorm. I tried to tell her once again that she should leave this place. She smiled, a little melancholy. She said that everything was going to be okay, that it wasn't the first injury she'd had. She tried to look strong to me, but I could see her expression change just before she closed the door.

Oh, that poor girl...

Wednesday, May 13, 1972

And just when I think things can't get any worse.

I didn't sleep much, still thinking about yesterday. I also didn't have much time to rest in my room, Angus was already in it. Maybe we were the first ones awake that early morning.

“... What are you doing here?” I restrained myself from saying, simply. “I came to get help, isn’t that obvious? My neck pain, since yesterday.” Oh, if only I could beat him up, make that smile jump off that face...

“I’m not answering today either. You can go.”

“Any particular reason?” I hate, hate it when he’s cynical.

“...If you have something to say, say it. Or stop wasting my time.”

“Um, well... When I hired you, I expected you to take care of our soldiers. Which you do, with great praise, and I thank you for that... What I didn’t expect is for you to become some random girl’s grandma.” I had been avoiding looking at him, doing my business around the room, but after that I had to face him.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to spend so much time with her if there were other people to talk to her with. Or, even, maybe I wouldn’t have to spend so much time with her if I knew for sure that no one was going to beat the poor thing up!”

“Cordelia, if a superior’s scolding could kill, I wouldn’t be here, would I? Besides, it was necessary. You say poor thing, but that brat is spoiled, weird, whiny, stubborn...” Of course. Of course. I just rooled my eyes, until he continued: “... Brave. I can count on one hand the number of recruits who have had the balls to try to confront me, but that? I’ll have to give her credit, she exceeded my expectations.” I wish I had stopped him from talking, I wish I had told him to fuck off and thrown him out of my office. He continued:

“She has the potential... Of course, courage without direction is useless. It’s needed to break her pride, make her accept the hierarchy... But being that Frankenstein's offspring, she is almost a lost cause. It’s a shame that no one decent has given this girl a foundation. It’s a small favor I’m doing for her, if you want to know.”

Disgust. Disgust. “Oh, dios mio! You are so generous! So kind! Now, will you get the fuck out of my office?!”

“Wow, are you really going to kick out your favorite patient?” I hate it when he’s cynical and arrogant. I hate it.

“Agh- You get on my nerves! You have time to come here and bother me with a bunch of nonsense, but you don’t have time to read one of my reports!”

“I read them all. I like things done the right way.”

“Well, if that were true, you would have fired that damn doctor already!” And Angus let out a long sigh, putting his hand to his temples. “...What did that guy do again?”

“Ha, the usual!? He doesn’t say how much of the budget was used for over two months, but I can see it was a lot. That’s not counting the hygiene violations, the ethical violations, the experiments! He’s doing whatever he wants with everyone’s organs, you could very well be next, if you haven’t already been!”

“First of all, I would never let that lunatic put even a Band-Aid on me... Now, I appreciate the very meticulous paperwork, but you know there’s not much I can do about it.”

“What do you mean? There’s everything you can do about it! Aren’t you the boss? Fire him! Fire him and the girl! Because honestly, don’t tell me that you, or any of your henchmen, care about Ágatha. If you don’t think what she does here is good enough for you, Fire her! End this suffering for everyone! “

“Care is a strong word... But anyway, I’m not going to let my guard down for them two, nor can I do anything unless Graymann authorizes it. Which, again, you already know...” and Angus looked at me. “...Don’t you? “

And I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I should have, my God. I should have done so many things in my life. He started to smile. “Cordelia, be honest with me... How much do you pay attention in our meetings? To anything related to this mission?” And I was very honest. “Anything I can ignore, I ignore. Every second I spend here is a year less of my life.”

And then he laughed. Laughed out loud. “...Oh, Cordelia.. That explains so much. Okay, let’s start from the beginning: We were hired by Gray Mann to...”

I sighed. “...Capture our former boss.”

“Capture our former boss! Very well!...” Cynical. Arrogant. Mocking. He continued: “The Commander, Administrator, or whatever her name is. Gray Mann wants her dead and that’s all that matters. But finding her is no easy task, which is why we’re going after all the teams she has. Echelon, Daedalus... All the way to Ajax. Now, we’re planning to attack Brigade, and we still have very few leads. Let’s say we finish killing them all, and we still have no idea where she is. She’d cling to one last hope, in desperation. So what would it be? A team we know well.”

“... The team Fortress?”

“The team Fortress! You’re good at this! Now, answer me... Where do you think Dr. Ludwig and Becker came from?”

“... From team Fortress?”

He laughed again. “...Bingo.”

How did I not notice this? I mean, where else would so many strange people come from? Dios mio...

And Angus went on to detail the situation even further: “Yes, the Fortress division still exists, and it seems to have declined much, much more. But the boss was very laconic, that doctor would stay on our team and that was it. In Gray Mann’s view, it’s worth keeping someone like him employed with us rather than loose out there as a potential enemy, so unless that doctor goes completely crazy and actually attacks one of us, I’m not authorized to do anything. But, for me, being part of Fortress under these conditions already makes me consider him a potential enemy... And I’m not kind to enemies. So, just because I can’t get rid of him doesn’t mean I’m going to welcome him with open arms and let the worst happen. That goes for the brat too.”

And his next sentence sent a chill down my spine. “If it were up to me, I would have already nipped this evil in the bud. ”

“...Don’t tell me that... Don’t put that image in my head... Do- do they agree with this?”

“Oh, right, the best part of this whole story: that freak doctor said he would love to see his old team and ours fighting each other, so far so good. But the girl doesn't know shit. He asked me not to let the girl know anything about the mission. Usually I would say fuck it to a family plot like this, but since I could dump her some tasks... It's a shame, integrating her into a real team would have been a good credit. In another universe, maybe... Who knows, maybe even in the near future, depending on how she reacts when the shit hits the fan.”

My stomach started to turn thinking about Ágatha. Thinking about me. Thinking about Citadel. I couldn’t hold back my emotions. “...Why did you hire me...” I asked, sobbing.

Then I felt something poking my arm. I looked up to see Angus offering me a box of tissues. There was no cynicism in his eyes this time... It was... sympathetic, in a way. I wiped my eyes as I looked at him. Angus still remains a true enigma to me.

I remember when we first met, I didn't really know what to think of him. He liked to show off to me, to get my attention, but displays of strength never impressed me, nor did violence. It was an extreme dichotomy; on the battlefield he was fierce, merciless, treacherous. Around me, he would flatter me, trying to win me over with a (horrible) nickname — little lamb! While I looked at him, holding one of the carrier pigeons, he called it adorable, saying how much he loved seeing them. As soon as I turned my back, “filthy bird!” was what echoed from the hallway. The flattery diminished when he saw that I really wasn't interested in him, and even more so when I got my promotion. But, honestly, it never disappeared.

The same man I saw break an opponent's arm with his bare hands was the first one who volunteered to donate blood when one of our mates was hemorrhaging. The same man who boasted about not having any “vices”, who was an example of how a mercenary should behave, alone, in his dormitory, lovingly talked to his own weapons, even giving names to it. I caught him doing it once. And oh, if someone dared to mention it!

He would spend hours yelling at the team after a defeat, hours celebrating after a victory...

“I told you, you are excellent at what you do... It breaks my heart to see how much you have denied your talents...”

I paused for a moment. That was one of the only constants about Angus. He always thinks he knows what’s best for me, for our friends, for everyone. His way, his path. How many times have I heard him compliment my stitches, my bandages... But in all the years I’ve worked with him, I can’t remember a single time he complimented me while using my telescope. I felt angry, very angry.

“...Wait If I told Ludwig what you did...,” I said as I tossed the paper I used aside. “...Wait if I went down these stairs and told Ágatha everything you told me right now. Wait if I picked up a scalpel right now and decided to take revenge for my former Citadel colleagues, would you still think I have talent?”

He started to smile at me, I continued to vent. “What if I had never left the Citadel. Would you have the courage to kill me? Or do you only like me as long as I am useful to you?”

“Cordelia, Cordelia... I am not a man who dwells on the past, on “wait if’s.” I work with what I know, in the present, and plan for the future. And what I do know is that you worked faithfully with us for over ten years, never failing in a single order. So much so that you were the only one of us who managed to ascend from that. And then you walked away. For some reason, you walked away from the opportunity of a lifetime. And now you are back with us! And you are still as committed, no matter how many angry faces and sour comments you make.” He gently took my hands in his. “So, my little lamb, the question I ask you is this: Will you do all this? Can you do all this?”

There was no threat in his voice. No brutality, no show of force. Just kindness. He stared at me, smiling. Cynical eyes. Cynical smile.

...

I did the usual ritual. Neck massage, ear check, shoulder massage, throat check, back massage, temperature check. And he kissed my hands, the final ritual at the end.

The afternoon passed quickly. I can't even remember anything relevant. Except, of course, the doctor's arrival back at the base. He hugged his niece, congratulated her, asked how everything went. I remember her saying that everything went well, smiling, looking to the side. I remember Angus, way back in the room, looking out the window, but perfectly watchful. The smile? You already know how it was.

New moon night. Not even the moon wants to comfort me today.

Friday, June 7, 1972

With each passing day my guilt grows more. I had a bit of courage today and went to talk to the doctor.

“Oh, what a surprise! Well, my budget report is almost ready, after my little unforeseen events, now if you could come back in about 6 or 7 hours-” he tried to make up an excuse to push me out of the room, as he always does. “I didn’t come for work, Doctor Ludwig. I need to talk to you about something else.”

“O-oh! Well... What do you need, then?”

I hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right words.

“...Look, Miss Darwin, the moment you remember what this is about, I’ll be here, okay? Otherwise, you can come back to my office in about 8 hours or maybe even tomorrow by-”

“...Why did you bring the girl to this place.” That’s all I could manage to say before I was thrown out.

“Oh, so that’s it! Oh Ho-ho, it would be impossible not to provide such an opportunity for my niece! You must have seen how excited she is to follow in my footsteps! She is an excellent student, and she will make an excellent doctor. With my help!”

Doctor Ludwig said that cheerfully. Happy from the moment I walked in, and not a shred of shame on his face. It irritated me. “You’re from Fortress. If this next expedition to Ajax comes to nothing, you know what will happen-”

He signaled for me to stop (covered my mouth with his hand, actually. Lucky he wasn't messing with any of those experiments.). Worried, he looked out of the room, seeing if anyone else was listening to the conversation. He closed the office door. And then, with his head down, he spoke to me again; “...It’s been a long time since the Fortress division was dissolved. Ágatha was devastated when it happened. So this job was a way to both pay for my research, which isn’t cheap at all, while I kept her mind occupied, making her not think too much about the subject...”

“And do you think she’s happy now? Do you think she’ll be happy when she finds out you’ve been lying to her? She likes these people a lot, Doctor...”

“I like these people a lot... But life is like that, things change. I can’t stay stuck in time. Besides, I’m not lying to her!” He was rummaging through his boxes, his papers... Without looking at me. “I’m just... preparing her. I know my niece, if I spilled the whole truth to her all at once, she wouldn’t be able to handle it...” And then he looked at me again, with those – sinister – blue eyes. “And it’s not a dilemma that big, especially for someone like me!”

“A soulless weirdo?” I asked.

He let out a loud laugh, replying, “Well, I actually have seven, but ha ha ha! That’s another matter... What I mean is that I am prepared for this situation. I believe I now have enough resources to deal with any fatalities.”To revive someone, more specifically. If someone is broken, I'll fix it – either side, simple as that!... You know, it's kind of fun to think about...” he mused with a smile.

“My old projects, fighting against my new experiments, ha ha... But that’s considering the worst of all the hypotheses, I don’t see why the administrator wouldn’t have connections with her most powerful team.”

He doesn't commit to his old team, or his current one. He thinks he can balance a lie like that. Thinks everything will work out. Thinks he's immortal. He infuriates me.

“...I could tell you how this... scheme of yours... is as fragile as a sheet of paper. But that doesn’t interest me at all. What I need to tell you is that you aren’t able to protect this girl here. You don't-" and the doctor interrupted me again:

“Miss Darwin, please.", In frustration. "I'm not naive, I know she misses our old base, that she gets upset...", after a long sigh, in melancholy. "...But we're making progress! Ágatha is adapting, getting really involved in the activities. She tells me she really likes it here." She said, bringing hope to himself.

“I’ve been taking care of my niece since she took her first steps. You might not think so, but I take this seriously...” reflectively, he glanced at one of the huge bone saws he has in the living room. “Really seriously... I would do anything” This doctor always had a somewhat intimidating air, but in that split second, he was paralyzing. As if he was about to cut someone in half, in cold blood.

“...And she knows it! I’m her biggest confidant!” He magically smiled again, turning to me. “It’s safe to say I have control of the situation!”

“...I hope you know what you’re doing, Dr. Ludwig.”, I said before leaving the office.

I hope that I know what I'm doing. I feel more guilty than before, I want to knock on his door, right now in the middle of the night, and tell him everything that happened that day. The things I see her go through. But he won't just decide to leave, would he?

I saw a little bit of her in his eyes. He'll want revenge,and it won't be pretty. For him, for the girl, for anyone.

A disaster, that would only lead to a disaster.

How to avoid a disaster?

Saturday, June 8, 1972
We all left for the mission at Ajax. Everyone except the girl. I hope she'll be okay on her own… A break from those guys might do her some good.

Monday, June 10, 1972
Mission complete. It was what you'd expect: explosion, gunshot, beating, bombs... Dr. Ludwig and I had a lot of work to do, some pretty nasty injuries this time. Ross ended up unconscious with a concussion. A deep gash in the side of Angus's abdomen, to name a few...
And I had to go into the base to deal with an emergency. Blood, bodies. Everything I didn't want to see...
We're leaving, at least...

Wednesday, July 2, 1972
No meeting has been scheduled yet… How strange.
I tried to learn chess with Ágatha today, but I can never memorize how each piece moves which way. I guess old dogs never learn new tricks… Obviously, I should mention that she was the one who won. Ágatha said she got good playing with her uncle and an uncle’s friend. And she laughed, remembering that before learning, as a child, she would win by putting the pieces in her mouth when no one was looking.
...It's been a while since I've seen her little eyes light up while doing something. Please, don't fade, please...

Saturday, July 5, 1972
Nothing. No update on the mission yet. I wonder what's going on…
I finally had time to try the churro cake recipe Ágatha gave me. It was really good! Her parents must be really good bakers...
She's been so upset... I offered it to her, she just wanted a little piece...

Wednesday, July 9, 1972

I failed. I failed with Ágatha.

Days and days without any movement, nothing. I should have guessed there was something, some surprise. When Angus said I didn't need to worry about it, I should have guessed. The confusion started after lunch.

The cafeteria was deserted, just me and Ágatha talking. Fred walked over to us, first ordering the girl to clean the west side rooms. And so she did, head down. After she left, Fred said bluntly, "We'll be leaving on an expedition at dusk. Pack your things as soon as possible." I didn't understand a thing, just like that? To where? "Australia." Just Australia. "...Is the Commander there?"

“No... But it’s a start.”

I started to get frustrated. "Could you explain it better? This is Angus's idea, isn't it? Why am I asking, of course it is...If you won't tell me, can you take me to him?”

“It might not be a good idea...”

"Was he the one to say it wouldn't be a good idea?” Fred nodded.

“Then take me.Take me to him.”

“... As you wish, madam.”

He led me to a room to the north. I finally managed to find the rest of the team, or most of it at least; Beatrice was looking at an investigation board, with various photos, notes, locations… Greg and Ross were chatting nonsense in a corner of the room, and there was Angus, sitting in a chair, holding a headset to one ear, while he told Wendell to adjust something on one of those computer panels full of buttons and wires, with a few monitors showing random locations above.

“Tonight, just like that? Without any preparation?”

"Good afternoon, Cordelia!" Angus stood up, that smile already on his face. "This is actually the most elaborate operation we've pulled off so far. We've got everything under control."

“And I wasn’t informed about anything because...?”

“Haha, well, I figured it was one of those things you’d rather ignore... No need to worry about the details, okay?” He placed a hand on my shoulder. I kept my posture serious, rigid.

"... You really want to hear the whole story, don't you?" Angus removed his hand and walked over to the computer. "We've been on the lookout for about three weeks now. After finding one of the idiots, it wasn't that hard to triangulate where some of the others might be. Not all of them, but enough for us to have a good idea..."

Angus signaled for Ross to come closer and asked him to put two hours back on one of the monitors. It was the entrance to a house, a man with an eye patch was talking to a black-haired girl,“You’re giving me my old job back?” “This was in my mailbox this morning. Demo, she is back!”

"...That woman was a hell of a work to find, you know..." Angus pointed to the monitor. "But nothing our most skilled spy and the best pair of eyes on our team couldn't handle."

Wow, I hadn't even realized Virgil and Ambrosio had been missing for so long. Although Ambrosio had always been discreet, appearing suddenly only to haunt others. And Virgil had always been unfriendly, preferring to stay alone in his tower.

Fred finished explaining the current endeavor, "They want to get the whole team together, they're going to do a treasure hunt here and there... The last stop will be Australia, where we'll be ready to corner them. If we find those people, we'll find the administrator."

"And I never thought I'd be thankful for the rotten telephone wiring here, hahaha!..." Beatrice laughed, still looking at the board. "Did you realize you can only make one call at a time? It was a pain in the ass having to wait for someone calling from the kitchen so I could finally use the phone in my room. But..." She looked at me, pointing to a tape recorder on the table next to the computer.

“...Whose recording is it?” I asked reluctantly. Deep down, I already knew.

And the answer came knocking at the door – came mumbling down the hall, “They want me to sweep the fucking room without a fucking broom. How come there's only one broom in a huge place like this?! And how does it disappear like that?!! “ She opened the door, unaware we were all there, and felt quite embarrassed. "Sorry... just looking for the broom closet..." Ágatha said, her head down, closing the door... Until she stopped, staring at the wall through the crack in the door. She flung it open, staring at the wall — at the investigations board. It was as if she were staring into an abyss, her eyes devoid of any sparkle. She walked silently to the board. She looked it up and down, running her hand over the photos. "Demoman?... Soldier? Pyro?... There are photos of the whole team... What does that mean?" She turned to all of us. “Why do you have all this? ”

Silence. She removed a note from the board – vulnerable target from 7 to 11 pm. “What does this mean?”

Oh, the mockery those men made. They looked at each other, laughing and whispering. Angus stared straight at Ágatha, arms crossed. And I can tell when he's holding back a smile.

I didn't know where to hide my face.

The girl's desperation grew, her breathing quickened, sweat breaking out on her forehead. Then it was the monitors' turn. Her voice trembled. "Are those Scout and Spy, in prison? Is this Makoto's house?“ The girl’s courage was awakened.”I want answers.”

Angus, without saying a word, walked from the middle of the room to the table, leaning against it. Without breaking eye contact with the girl, he pressed the recorder button. My God, the recorder. He made a point of playing the whole tape. What humiliation, what violation. My heart tightens, remembering a specific moment;"Ágatha, since you were little, you've always been a determined, hard-working, smart, and fearless girl. You can't accept anything less than respect from others, understand?", followed by the girl breaking down in loud, loud sobs.

Shocked, frightened, her eyes widened, tears welling up. Angus walked up to Ágatha. “You know, Becker, I’m going to have to thank you personally! I really was fed up with playing detective again…” he did those pats on the girl’s head. “You saved us a lot of work, congratulations!”

That smile, that damn smile. A chorus of degradation formed.

Ágatha trembled, looking at each of the mercenaries as she tried to reach the door. Her gaze stopped on me. I saw the disappointment, the sadness, the anger. She took off running, banging on the walls, screaming “ MEDIC! MEDIC!!!TIO!!! “

I tried to undo my mistakes, I ran after her, only catching up with her when she stopped, panting, after turning down the wrong hallway. But it was too late, wasn't it? “DO NOT TOUCH ME!” She pushed my hand away, running off again.

The doctor's office, their final destination. She stormed in, screaming, and the other mercenaries slowly followed her. Vultures.

“UNCLE, UNCLE!!! THEY LIED TO US, ALL OF THEM!!!... They're going to kill everyone from Red, everyone from Fortress! We have to escape, NOW!!!”

The doctor stopped. Fearful, regretful, he slowly approached the girl. “Oh, Ágatha…”

Ágatha cried. “And it’s all my fault!!! It’s all my fault, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” The doctor hugged the girl, trying to comfort her.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay… It’s not your fault. How could it be? I was the one who couldn’t tell you everything…”

The girl broke free from the hug, her tears ceasing in confusion “....What do you mean?...”

“It’s okay, here, sit down, I’ll explain.” He pointed to a chair. Ágatha didn’t sit down. “Uncle. What's going on?”

"Honey... You and I are researchers, scientists, revolutionaries!... But unfortunately, the winds don't always blow in our favor... A very important skill is knowing how to seize opportunities when they arise. I did that for both of us, you know?"

“...What did you do?” She asked shakily.

"Please, calm down... Look, we can't do what we do best without any sponsorship. And not just anyone would be willing to sponsor what we do... Therefore, in situations like this, it's necessary to use logic instead of feelings. It was an equal exchange! Continuing our scientific progress... with a little collateral damage, however..."

"... Were we hired for this? To kill our friends?Tio. Please… Tell me it's not that. Tell me it's not true.” She covered her face with her hands, anguished. Wishing everything around her would disappear. I understand her.

"Ágatha, Ágatha... Of course I would never do that, you know me... Again, it's collateral damage... Our contract only concerns one specific person, the administrator — that old lady who used to announce the matches. Ho ho, you went into her room once with your little friend and you were playing around on the microphone, remember?... But hunting down our former teammates? No, not that... If that were the only thing the proposal involved, I wouldn't have accepted, you know me..."

She took her hands from her face. Her eyebrows were sharp with anger, with disappointment. “ Now it does.”

"It was a matter of logic, please... She had five other teams. It was much more likely that she would have used any of the others. An unhappy luck, yes! But that's no excuse to just give up! Especially now that we've come so far with the reanimation projects! Especially now that we can see our experiments being tested against each other!"

“What happened to always taking care of the team?...” She muttered to herself, pacing around the room.

“Ágatha, please…”

“What happened to giving the best support you can?...”

“Ágatha, please!... D-don't need to get dramatic now! I can guarantee you, any of them would have done the same thing in our place!... You and I, this is the original team, the only one that matters…”

“...Nothing, nothing makes sense anymore...”

"...I'm doing this for us, Ágatha! I c-couldn't let sadness swallow us up! And we're doing well! Despite missing you, you've evolved a lot! You're always willing to take on tasks, you've managed to adapt to the new team —"

A glass Erlenmeyer flask was thrown to the floor with all the force. Doctor Ludwig froze.

“...You don't know what I'm going through. You have NO IDEA OF WHAT I WAS DOING FOR BOTH OF US!”

“Á-ágatha!... Please, let's talk- ” Mr. Ludwig, horrified, tried to maintain some control of the situation. Without success. Another vial — a volumetric flask — fell to the ground. And the mercenaries stood there, just watching, as if it were a soap opera. Vultures, scoundrels.“NO!!! NO, I TRUSTED YOU!” another bottle “I PASSED TROUGHT HELL FOR YOU!” another one on the floor “AND YOU BETRAYED EVERYONE! YOU CHOSE A BUNCH OF STRANGERS OVER YOUR OWN FAMILY!”

“I AM YOUR FAMILY, ÁGATHA!... Dear, please stop this..." He lowered the girl's hand before she could drop another glass on the floor. "Look... I don't mean to betray anyone! It's nothing personal with the Reds, or the Blus, or the administrator, or Gray m-" The doctor bit his lip.

“...Gray Mann?” The girl stared deep into the doctor's soul. The pressure caused the vial to shatter in her own hand, cutting through her glove. And she didn't wait for whatever he was going to say. "We have been working for 6 months for THE FUCKING GRAY MANN?!!” And this time it was a box, a whole box, thrown against the wall. Glass and liquids spilled all over the office, and blood spattered around the girl.

She became uncontrollable, jar after jar, bottle after bottle, photographs, shelves. And she screamed, how she screamed. I, too stupid to intervene, paralyzed by the scene, and those vultures enjoying it, curious to know how far it would go. Ludwig had to hold Ágatha by the wrists to stop her from vandalizing the place. “Ágatha! Calm down, please! Look what you're doing! Dear, look at your hand!..”

She struggled, she pushed the doctor behind. “I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! YOUR VERMIN! YOU COWARD!!! “ As she removed her gloves and white coat, she screamed and cried, “I AM NOT YOUR NURSE ANYMORE! I AM NOT YOUR NIECE ANYMORE! SO, SEE IF YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!” And she left, the same way she arrived; in one shot, in tears, without even looking back.

Ludwig stood there, staring into space. He then realized that everyone was watching. “Ha, teenagers, right? ...S-she'll be back soon. We'll have a long talk, o-of course! Just imagine, over two thousand dollars in equipment... But she comes back, she will come back...” Ludwig did not convey the confidence of his words; he trembled, adjusted his glasses, sweated, sweating profusely. He bent down to gently pick up the girl's lab coat, wiping away the glass and dirt.

“Okay, an amazing show.” Angus’s curiosity was over, leaving only impatience. “Frankenstein, you have until dusk to pack your things and to show up with the girl. We’re leaving.”

We're all in the submarine now, without Ágatha. I don't particularly like it here; it's too claustrophobic for me, even though it's one of those huge ones. And it keeps me far from the starry sky. Because it's so big, at least everyone has their own room, so I can cry a lot and as much as I want.

What else can I say? Hmm, I heard some murmuring from the other mercenaries before the doctor arrived, as we prepared to leave. "No sign of the girl?" "No, but none of the weapons seem to have moved either." "Then it's not our problem anymore. And the tape?" "It's right here!" "Great." Plastic and iron debris at the sea "We already have all the information we need, and the last thing I need is this getting into Frankenstein's hands, especially after today." “Wouldn’t it be good to track the girl, just in case?” “First, I don’t think she got very far, and if she did, she'll know how to stay in her corner. She has grit, I can't deny it, but everyone has a limit... And I think she's already reached hers."

“And if she decides to play the heroine…”

“Then yes, she becomes our problem." laughter.

I saw the doctor arriving, more composed, but still sweating. "There were some unforeseen events. It seems Ágatha is going back to her parents' house, what a shame."

Oh, yes, I was also the only one to see Ágatha before she left. I went to the beach, in the same part of the island she'd taken me to a few months ago. I needed to clear my head. It turns out there's also an aircraft carrier there, way more ragged than where the submarine, fighters, and jets are, on the opposite side of the island, but it's still there. I saw her getting on an airplane. We looked at each other from afar, before she closed the door. I didn't tell anyone.

There is nothing to be done.

Thursday, July 10, 1972

I could have continued writing the day before, honestly. This new day started just a few hours ago, and I haven't even managed to rest my eyes yet. But a thought, an epiphany, I don't know, came to me. It's worth starting to write now.

I never felt like I had control over my life. Medicine was my family's business. Crime, also, was the family business. Things from my father's side. My mother was more lenient, she found the idea of astronomy fun. I remember her painting little stars in fileteado portenho on my bedroom wall, me asking her the names of all the celestial bodies in Spanish...

Anyway, being the youngest, with three older brothers, it was natural that I would be the most protected, the most "guarded"... I was given two choices: get engaged or continue with my father's business. I never managed to identify with any of the suitors the family brought (today I understand that my tastes, my wishes, my fantasies, are different from an ordinary lady. From an ordinary person.), so I threw myself into the studies.

Then the Fortress came. Oh, the Fortress. It was supposed to be a temporary internship while I was finishing my degree, so I could work for mafia bosses, corrupt politicians, anyone like that. I ended up getting permanent, getting used to it… The next thing I knew, it was the job I'd spent the most time in my life. Honestly, one of the things that made it easier was that machine, which prevented you from dying during a match –in theory. I never liked death. But I also never liked violence, and there was a lot of violence in that place.

Amidst the overwhelming workload, the stress, the friendships, and the laughter, I ended up standing out. They said I was good at what I did, which turned out to be true. I received a promotion to a great team, one that wasn't made to fight amongst themselves in a sandbox. It was one of the first times I was given a choice — go or stay? Even among the disagreements, I felt a fondness for the people there. I had formed very strong bonds with some. But walls have ears, and gossip travels with the wind. By the time I realized it, everyone already knew and was eager for my response.

Chaim showed up at my office early, with a smile on his face, and said he hoped I'd be happy when I got the position. Still, after he left, I saw him walking around with his head down. Karl showed up a little later, after a checkup, shook my hand, congratulated me, and told me it was deserved, that I'd always been very attentive. He also said he hoped to be lucky enough to have another nurse like me. On the way to the cafeteria during lunch, I ended up bumping into Terry, who was in a hurry, grumpy. He simply commented that "TFI's strategy of placing someone who delivers results no matter what the means required, so low, while simultaneously promoting someone who couldn't lay a finger on anyone, was, to say the least, an interesting choice." I simply remarked that if he hadn't received a promotion yet, it might have been because his results weren't that great, and that was enough to make him avoid me for the rest of the day — of the week!

So many people! Each with their own opinion. Butch served my food, “Best thing you ever do, to get out of here. Best thing!” Short and sweet, yes, but in the rush to feed so many mouths… And he arranged my plate quite adorable that day. Bruce appeared with another broken finger, and after being attended to, he said, "You know, I'm going to miss you. I would do exactly the same thing as you. But I'm going to miss you." I won't lie, I was surprised by his words!

Ben, protective as always, told me to take care of myself there, to not think too much about them while I was at Citadel, but that it would be normal if I kept thinking about the team there. "You'll end up missing us eventually... Won't you?"

...Wow, even the wet floor sign appeared on my door – probably because someone accidentally knocked something over, but I always thought it had a bit of personality… Poor thing, please don't cry for me…

The news reached Angus's "gang" in the afternoon. "Gang" in quotation marks because the division only became clear after what happened to Birdie, and then Biaggio... Still, it was clear there was a separation, two groups that had more affinity within themselves. A team already divided among itself, perhaps that's why there was so much confusion on and off the battlefield...

I remember Beatrice asking me if I could handle the pressure; "Every day, a life on the line. Without the support of respawns... I hope your sweet heart can handle it." Ambrosio doubting; "You're an example of caring for your teammates, but terrible at dealing with enemies. No offense, but think carefully about what you're going to do..."

My colleague in the room next door, Biaggio, told me, "The decision is yours, but I don't think I'll ever find another partner as good as you." Biaggio wasn't a bad man; he was a very professional doctor and very cordial to me when we worked together. Still... A mercenary, wasn't he? I think he prioritized profit over health, both that of others and his own... He wanted so badly to patent a "miracle cure" that he barely realized he was accidentally poisoning himself. So sudden, so tragic. I had to let go of a lot of his actions to maintain the friendship, yes… But he wasn’t evil, he wasn't someone cruel. I don't know if he deserved an end like that.

Angus himself came to share his thoughts late in the afternoon. He arrived not quite as playful, not quite as... cynical. "I don't need to be seen today. I just want to know what you intend to do with this opportunity. You're not going to throw it away, are you?" he asked seriously. So many people were giving their opinions, and I couldn't even think of my own! More independence versus staying with loved ones. But my thoughts stayed in my head, because he himself replied: "You will not throw it away. You know how many people here are working hard to, at least, go to one position above? You... Showed yourself superior to others. Do not throw yourself in the mud again.”

I couldn't tell if he was happy for me, or mad at me, or mad at himself. Surprisingly supportive, strangely authoritative. Again, Angus is a mystery… But remembering this now — and other old, irrelevant stories —...That brute didn't seem as deplorable as he is today. Did I find him annoying, personally?Yes a lot. Was he aggressive on the battlefield? You bet… But there were still sparks of humanity here and there, which became increasingly rare and now seem almost nonexistent. I don't know what scares me more: the thought that he was always like this, becoming increasingly comfortable removing his mask over time, or if it was the mercenary life, the life around money, that turned him into this. Corrupt. Just like my father, just like Biaggio... Maybe Biaggio's death affected him, just as Birdie's affected me. I smiled more, I wasn't so bitter...

And, well… It was Birdie who convinced me to stay. I was packing my things to go back to my dorm, thinking everyone had already left. “...You're not thinking about leaving, are you?...” I was startled by his sudden presence, saying I'd be able to think better in the morning. “Cordelia, you don't know those people; I doubt they'll care about you like we do here!”

And he grew more desperate.

“They'll treat you like trash! They'll demand things that are humanly impossible, and punish you when you can't comply!”

And even more desperate,

“T-they'll abandon you there! I-I know we end up trying your patience, b-but we love you! We care! I care!”

And the next thing I knew, there he was, kneeling, holding the hem of my dress and begging, sobbing and crying. “Don't leave me… Cordelia, please, don't leave me…”

I kissed his forehead. “I’m not going anywhere, silly little bird…”

I thought things would go well. And then he left me. I lost my birdwatching partner. The man who most sent me the carrier pigeons in my life. The crazy guy who always came into my living room to talk about Bigfoot or the Moth Man, or when he got beaten down in a fight, or when he wanted to invite me to ...some adventure. A friend, a great friend who made my life much more chaotic, but much more fun…

I don't like remembering that day, how his body looked. How his body smelled. How I'll never know what happened to him.

The base felt dull to me. It made me bad. I asked if the position was still available. I went. It turned out that I didn't feel good there either. Sure, my coworkers weren't as... "wild" as my old ones, but they weren't as close either. They were polite and treated me with respect, but it was all very... lukewarm? But that wasn't even the biggest problem, honestly. The biggest problem was realizing that my dilemma between choosing Fortress or Citadel was false. It was like trading six for half a dozen.

Both were services I didn't identify with, and if I could, I never would have chosen. I chose one because they asked me to; if they hadn't, I would have chosen the other because they told me to. In the end, the decision wasn't, and never would have been, mine. And it took a while for me to realize this, way after I received the letter about Biaggio's death, even.

I dropped everything, but I'd already lost about three decades of my life. Although the paychecks I'd received over the years were substantial, it wasn't as if I was a millionaire — between financial crises, a war, family intrigues… enough stuff to fill a book. Which is what I kind of do when I feel like things are getting too much for me. But I was stable, with my own house in a normal neighborhood.

I worked odd jobs as a nurse here and there to maintain stability (after all these years, what difference did it make?). Ostracized from my family. Never married. I could have left after my first year at Team Fortress; with a little money, I might have gotten into an astronomy college. But man went to the moon, and I stayed here.

…

That's not how my reasoning ends. I thought that I never had control over my life, or over anything. Many times I really didn't, but after internalizing this so many times, I ended up ignoring the times when I did have a choice, indeed. If I had said no, the very first day they tried to hire me, in the school nurse's office, what would they have done? Would they have tied me up by the arms and legs to bring me here? And Ágatha, my God! How many times have I witnessed these people being rude, arrogant, and mean to her? And how many times have I defended her? How many times have I used my mouth to say, "Hey, you! Make sure you treat this girl right, are we clear?" She had to receive a punch for me to finally do something like this, I'm very ashamed of it.

Ágatha, besides reviving some of the joy life has in me, ended up opening my eyes to it. She was always a free spirit; she chose to dance when the world wanted to make her stand still, she chose to smile when the world wanted to make her cry, she chose to persist when the world wanted to make her give up, to try, try, and try again. She ended up using this energy on the wrong people, unfortunately. That love for life was almost ripped away from her. But, when all seemed lost, when she lost her footing, yet she chose to do something. She chose to protest, she chose to scream, she chose to run away, when she realized that place no longer fit her. To be quite honest, if I were in her shoes, I don't think I could have done that, spoken all those truths. I think I would be in the submarine, just like I am now...

Angus didn't want to show the tape to Dr. Ludwig, just as he and the others were never hostile towards Ágatha in front of him, because he knew the doctor wouldn't let it go... Angus also chose not to show the tape to me, right away.

When it comes to invasion and attack plans, Angus is very calculating and makes sure everything is thought out in advance, updating everyone on every little detail, including me. Even when it came to Citadel. He spent weeks setting up a search, tracking down the people. All under my nose.

...Does he think I would do this? Does he think I could do that?

Yesterday, when I saw Ágatha on the plane, I thought the worst. I felt like she was saying, "Goodbye. Don't look for me ever again." And I would understand; if I were her, in that situation, I would have assumed the worst from me. Now, with a calmer head, I can visualize the scene better: There was no hatred or resentment in her gaze. It was serious, but serene, without judgment. I even think I saw a slight smile, but then I think I'm imagining it. Maybe what she meant was, "I'm leaving, this place isn't for me anymore, and it's not for you either... Come, too, when you can..."

I'm afraid, I'm really afraid. But I really want to too... After all this time, is it worth it?

I have no idea how the days will unfold, but I want to try. I need to try.